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What are the do's and don'ts for sitting Shivah?

by Rabbi Yosef Resnick

  

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Torah provides comfort and solace during bereavement and acts as a guiding light, particularly when the Torah guidelines for mourning are followed.
 
Jewish law divides mourning into three distinct periods:

  1. Shivah - The first week following bereavement.
  2. shloshim - The first thirty days following bereavement.
  3. The first year, ending with the anniversary of death, known as the yahrtzeit.

Here are some of the laws and customs1 that apply to a mourner during the Shivah period:

  • It is customary to pray and recite Kaddish in the house of a mourner. Kaddish may only be recited if ten Jewish men over the age of Bar Mitzvah are present. If a son of the deceased is capable of leading the prayers, he should do so. However, any other relatives should not lead the services unless nobody else present is capable of doing so.
  • Mishnayot are studied (by someone other than the mourner) in merit of the loved one's soul, since the word “Mishnah” shares the same Hebrew letters as the word “Neshamah".
  • Doing business and going to work is prohibited during these days. This prohibition includes having someone else do work for you. However, if this will cause a great financial loss, a competent Rabbinic authority should be consulted. Necessary household tasks are permitted.
  • A mourner may wash his hands, feet and face in cold water; any other bathing is prohibited.
  • Although anointing is normally forbidden, if a mourner does this for the sake of hygiene (deodorant etc.) or health it is permitted.
  • Leather shoes may not be worn. However, non-leather shoes may be worn.
  • During the first three days of mourning, a mourner should not exchange greetings. If a mourner is mistakenly greeted, he should not return the greeting, instead, he should inform the person that he is a mourner and is not permitted to exchange greetings. However, during the remaining four days of mourning, he may return a greeting when mistakenly greeted.
  • Marital relations; wearing freshly laundered clothes and participating in celebrations are also prohibited.
  • Although Torah study is forbidden (since Torah gladdens the heart), mourning related matters may be studied.
  • In order to minimize laughter, a mourner should refrain from holding a child, or conversing with others at length.
  • He may not sit on a bench or on pillows and cushions; instead, he should sit on the ground, or on a low stool. There is a Halachic opinion that a mourner should sleep on the ground.
  • He may not cut his hair during the entire first month following the bereavement. When mourning a parent, this prohibition is usually extended to three months.

The purpose of these laws is to allow a mourner to pay proper attention to his feelings of grief
The purpose of these laws is to allow a mourner to pay proper attention to his feelings of grief.

We hope and pray for the coming of Moshiach, when G-d ”will destroy death for ever; and the L-rd G-d will wipe away tears from off all faces”.2

See also "For whom does one sit Shivah?" and "What is forbidden for a mourner during Shloshim?"
 
[Ed. note: The above is but a mere summary of what Jewish law requires of a mourner. If (G-d forbid) you ever experience a loss, a competent Orthodox Rabbi should be consulted].

Footnotes

  • 1. Adapted from Kitzur Shulchan Aruch – the Condensed Code of Jewish Law - chapters 208, 209, 210 and 211
  • 2. Isaiah 25:8.

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Torah
Torah is G–d’s teaching to man. In general terms, we refer to the Five Books of Moses as “The Torah.” But in truth, all Jewish beliefs and laws are part of the Torah.
Moshiach
The Messiah. Moshiach is the person who will usher in an era of peace and tranquility for all of humanity when there will be no jealousy or hate, wars or famine. This is a fundamental Jewish belief.
Halachic
Pertaining to Jewish Law.
Bar Mitzvah
The thirteenth birthday of a Jewish male. On this day -- customarily celebrated with a modest party -- the adolescent reaches adulthood and is responsible to observe all the commandments of the Torah.
Mishnah
First written rendition of the Oral Law which G-d spoke to Moses. Rabbi Judah the Prince compiled the Mishna in the 2nd century lest the Oral law be forgotten due to the hardships of the Jewish exiles.
Kaddish
A prayer sanctifying G-d's name which is sprinkled throughout the daily prayers and is recited by the leader of the services. This prayer is also recited by mourners during the first year of mourning, and on the anniversary of the death.
shloshim
Literally means "thirty." Usually a reference to the thirty day mourning period observed by immediate family after the death of a relative.
Neshamah
The soul of a Jew. This soul belongs to anyone who was born to a Jewish mother or converted according to the dictates of Jewish Law. The soul is a spark of G-d Himself.
G-d
It is forbidden to erase or deface the name of G-d. It is therefore customary to insert a dash in middle of G-d's name, allowing us to erase or discard the paper it is written on if necessary.
yahrtzeit
The (Jewish calendar) anniversary of a person's death.