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What qualities should I be looking for in my potential spouse?

by Rabbi Naftali Silberberg

  

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Certain qualities are essential, and certain qualities depend on who you are. For example: integrity, yirat shamayim (fear of G-d), and kindness are basic and non-negotiable. But orderliness or above-average intelligence are high priorities to some but not to others.

I would say that the five most important qualities are: 1) Honesty 2) Yirat shamayim 3) Kindness 4) Humility; not arrogant and full of him/herself 5) Common sense.

Compromises can (and should) be made in non-essential areas such as looks, nationality, intelligence, education, family, etc.
It is self evident what life would be like if you married someone who was severely deficient in one of these areas.

Compromises can (and should) be made in non-essential areas: looks, nationality, intelligence, education, family, etc.

Needless to say, all these qualities are not substitutes for feelings and emotions. I.e. there must be at least minimal attraction between the prospective couple. There has to be a "click"; marriage isn't only about checking off a checklist of qualities and talents.

TAGS: dating

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COMMENTS

You're so right

Posted by: Anonymous, Israel on Feb 14, 2005

Now that I'm happily married 11 years, I see again & again that the only important criterion is being a "mentch".

Too bad.

Posted by: Anonymous, Columbia, MO on Feb 24, 2005

Well, in my opinion this is totally correct. I'm engaged and practically starving for my fiance, as he prefers me to be thin. My father on the other hand tells me, as I'm religious, observant, smart, and fear Hashem with all my actions, this man should love me the way I am. I'm in agreement but it comes down to me just wanting him happy. Maybe my posted comment has not much to do with what said, but none the less it felt good to post.

Reply: too bad

Posted by: Anonymous, Lancaster, PA on May 15, 2005

Your father is right, and you should maybe reconsider for 2 reasons: 1. Does your fiance know that you are practicaly starving to death to keep him happy with you? If so, and he actively encourages you, then he does not value you; but G-d does, so you should not hurt yourself. G-d's definition of A Husband's Love is unselfish acceptance of you (as he surely has his own faults), and a never-ending attitude of protection, service, and wish to LEAD his family in the precepts of the fear of G-d. If your weight means that much to him, then this is an indication of a selfish and shallow spirit; i.e he does not fear God. If he doesn't know: then you should tell him, and watch for his reaction. The correct one is to tell you to eat normally. Any other reaction is unacceptable. 2. we are commanded to love G-d above all else, and surely He would not want you to be so obsessed about your physical appearence; this is a form of idolatry. A beautiful woman is a righteous one; see Proverbs 31. shalom
G-d
It is forbidden to erase or deface the name of G-d. It is therefore customary to insert a dash in middle of G-d's name, allowing us to erase or discard the paper it is written on if necessary.