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I'm in love with a married Jewish man; I must be with him...


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Rabbi Shlomo Chein: Welcome. I'll be with you in a moment...what's on your mind?

Joanne: im in love with a married jewish man, he is my obsession, i must have him mentally and physically is that ok

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: please tell me that married Jewish man is your husband :-

Joanne: he isnt. im not married he is and he is flirtatios

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: so let me get this streight - you are obssesed with a another woman's husband, and you are asking me if that is ok!!!

Joanne: yes rabbi you got it straight, i must have him and he wants me too but has more will power then i have

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: i understand - but are you seriously asking me if that is ok? I mean can you please explain me how that can be ok!

Joanne: in ancient times jewish men had more then one wife and concubines and we still observe our ancient ways, so whats wrong with this ancient establised lifestyle we cant have it both ways, some ancient things are ok some are not who decides what rules to keep or discard, i really appreciate your talking to me

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: why don't you call this man's wife and ask her if she would like to keep this ancient custom?

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: by the way, where did you go to school?

Joanne: rabbi, you have a good sense of humor, but seriously dont tell me you never heard of a Jewish man having an extra marital affair, im sure you have. i went to the university of xxxxxxxxx, but didnt graduate, why do you ask, by the way?

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: do you work for a living?

Joanne: yes i do im single, self supporting and have no family to help, im all alone in this world except for some good friends, its a cold and lonely world but i found comfort by joining a synagogue here in xxxxxxxxxx, it changed me much for the better, but i still want what i want, and its this man. last dec. i got in trouble and was arrested, i call him and asked him to bail me out of jail, he instantly said yes, didnt give it a second thought he came right over and at least outwardly seemed to be remarkedly non judgemental, how could i not love this person

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: I ask where you went to school and if you work for a living to point something out to you - times have changed! In the period of time when men had as many wives as they pleased, their wives, or concubines, were not educated and did not have professions - so do you really want to go back to that way of life?

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: but that's not the point... the point is you are a thief... you are trying to steal another woman's love and husband... so in addition to the fact that extra marital affairs are not allowed according to Jewish or civil law, there is another very important issue:

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: when the great sage Hillel was asked to sum up all of Judaism in line this is what he said "what you don't want to be done to you, don't do unto your fellow"... if you don't want somoene to rob you of your husband, your love, or anything precious that belongs to you, back away from this NOW... stop talking to this man, stop seeing this man, and stop, period!

Joanne: rabbi, doesnt the fact that he bailed me out of jail without a second thought mean he loves me too

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: 1) NO, no and NO! There are nice people out there who do good things for people. 2) I don't care if he loves you are not, he belongs to another woman!

Joanne: dear rabbi, thanks for your conversation i really appreciate it, but im at a friends house and must go no, so lila tov and have a happy, healthy shavout

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: You Too - do the right thing, and i can assure you there is a handsome, caring, romantic man out there waiting JUST for YOU

All names, places, and identifying information have been changed or deleted in order to protect the privacy of the questioners. In order to preserve authenticity, the chat sessions have been posted with a minimum of editing. Please excuse typographical errors, missing punctuation, and/or grammatical mistakes which naturally occur in the course of informal chat sessions.


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Posted by: Dawn, Houston on Jul 01, 2005

To Joanne- A man who is willing to hurt his wife will surely hurt you- no matter how much he may say that he loves you. I hope that you do not learn this the "hard way".

A slippery slope

Posted by: Jacqueline Homan, Erie, PA, USA on Aug 09, 2005

Temptations can sometimes get the better of the best of people. However, when such an irreseistable temptation crosses our paths, we also need to think as to the ripple effects this will have if we act on that temptation. We all have the opportunity to make others' lives heaven or hell. Is it not much better to do our best to NOT harm one another? I am referring to the irreparable emotional and psychological harm that would be inflicted on Mr. Flirty Romeo's wife, and possible children. Even if there are no children in this marriage and the only other hurt person would be the wife, have you thought about how far and wide the seeds of discontent, resentment and anger can be sown and the extent of the resulting damage?


Intimacy » Sexual Issues
Life Cycle » Marriage » Married Life