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Should I go to the Mikvah even though my partner and I are not married?


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Rabbi Shlomo: Welcome. I'll be with you in a moment...what's on your mind?

madame: I would like to go to the migvah but my partner and I are not married, would it be approved by a Temple?

Rabbi Shlomo: why do you want to go to the Mikvah?

madame: we are trying to have a baby

Rabbi Shlomo: how beautiful.

Rabbi Shlomo: But what does Mikvah got to do with it?

madame: sorry

madame: I am french

Rabbi Shlomo: no problem

Rabbi Shlomo: So tell me, you want to have a baby. I understand that. It is beautiful. But why do you want to go to the Mikvah? Why don't you just try to have a baby?

madame: It's a blessing and a custom in my family, i am conservative

Rabbi Shlomo: a blessing from who?

madame: Hashem

Rabbi Shlomo: Aha

Rabbi Shlomo: A blessing from a Hashem. Yes indeed. And Hashem said that when we go to Mikvah it brings us blessing right?

madame: right

Rabbi Shlomo: But Hashem also said that we should get married before we have babies (and before we have sex). And Hashem said that AFTER we get married we should try to have babies, but first we should go to the Mikvah

Rabbi Shlomo: Naturally, Hashem's blessing through the Mikvah only comes when Hashem wants us to go to the Mikvah

Rabbi Shlomo: It is not the water that gives us the blessing; it is the Mitzvah!

madame: I understand

Rabbi Shlomo: If we go into a bathtub we won't get that blessing. And if we go to Mikvah when we are not supposed to be having sex, there is no blessing in that either

Rabbi Shlomo: So my question to you is why not get married?

Rabbi Shlomo: Don't you want Hashem's blessing?

Rabbi Shlomo: Don't you want your baby to have a "commited" father?

madame: It's on its way

madame: the wedding

madame: so are you saying there is no point for me to go?

Rabbi Shlomo: I am saying there is a huge point for you to go to Mikvah BEFORE you have a baby. But I am saying there is even a BIGGER POINT for you to get married FIRST

madame: I understand, you are 100% right. Thank you very much Rabbi Shlomo

madame: shalom

Rabbi Shlomo: My pleasure. May you have the wisdom and strength to do what is right, and may G-d bless your good deeds with a beautiful marriage and then beautiful and healthy children!

madame: toda raba! amen

Rabbi Shlomo: my pleasure

[Ed. note: see here for the Jewish view regarding premarital sex].

All names, places, and identifying information have been changed or deleted in order to protect the privacy of the questioners. In order to preserve authenticity, the chat sessions have been posted with a minimum of editing. Please excuse typographical errors, missing punctuation, and/or grammatical mistakes which naturally occur in the course of informal chat sessions.


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Life Cycle » Marriage » Family Purity
Intimacy » Sexual Issues
Women & Judaism » Women's Mitzvot » Family Purity

(pl. Mitzvot). A commandment from G-d. Mitzvah also means a connection, for a Jew connects with G–d through fulfilling His commandments.
A ritual bath where one immerses to become spiritually pure. After her menstrual cycle, a woman must immerse in the Mikvah before resuming marital relations.
"The Name." Out of respect, we do not explicitly mention G-d's name, unless in the course of prayer. Instead, "Hashem" is substituted.
1. Usually a reference to the Holy Temple which was/will be situated in Jerusalem. 1st Temple was built in 825 BCE and was destroyed in 423 BCE. The 2nd Temple was built in 350 BCE and was destroyed in 70 CE. The 3rd Temple will be built by the Messiah. 2. A synagogue.
It is forbidden to erase or deface the name of G-d. It is therefore customary to insert a dash in middle of G-d's name, allowing us to erase or discard the paper it is written on if necessary.