perplexed: Hi. my friend's father is really Frum [Ed. note: religious], so there are bochurim [unmarried boys] around her house. Her parents believe it's okay for her to talk to them, and to have friends over. Do u think it's okay for me to talk to them, because like most teens i have an urge to interact with those of the opposite gender, and this is a safe, very controlled way to do so?

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: what she does is really up to her parents. However, if you are asking me what YOU should do, I would tell you to avoid those situations, especially since you are smart and honest enough to be truthful and admit that you are attracted to the other gender

perplexed: Do you know how Reish Lakish [one of the great Talmudic sages] channeled his enourmous physical energy into learning Torah? I've kind of seen the same thing with my friend's brother, who channels any desire he might have to "have fun" with girls into Torah learning. But a girl doesn't have the same Mitzvah of learning Torah, so where can I channel any desire I have to talk to boys? And what is the purpose of a desire like this if it should only be repressed?

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: As for what is its use if it has to be repressed: 1) It can be used for the above. 2) It is not repressed for ever, it is just put in reserve for the one special boy you will marry. Then it will all come pouring out just for him, instead of having it wasted on others before him

perplexed: another "purpose" question. what is the purpose of physical beauty?

perplexed: and is it okay to decide i like a boy and would want to marry him, if i didn't do anything about it (like try to build a relationship with him)

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: beauty has many levels, namely bringing joy. However beauty also has many meanings - namely outer beauty, or superficial beauty, and inner beauty,

perplexed: bringing joy to whom? and everything has a purpose, so what is the purpose of "superficial " beauty. As far as i can see, it's only a stumbling block.

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: 1) Bring joy to whom? Depends on what beauty, where and when. 2) superficial beauty can also bring joy when it comes together with inner beauty

perplexed: So let's say girls in my class who are stunning, at my stage in life (10th grade), what is the purpose to their looks?

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: 1) Their beauty can bring joy to others right now - their parent can have joy from it; they can go to an old age home and speak to the old people there, and the old people will have such nachas from seeing such beautiful Yidishe Kinder doing such beautiful things etc. 3) The beauty is also there so that LATER they will share it with their husbands

perplexed: Thanx. Next question: Is it ok to like a boy and think i might to marry him, if i didn't do anything about it (like try to build a relationship)

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: you shouldn't invest energy and feelings into a boy just yet. If you happen to see a boy and think for a moment you would like to marry him, or better - someone like him, that is ok. But to keep that thought going on in your mind, is not good.

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: 1) as stated it is not good to invest energy and love that can be used for other things right now, on something that is not going to happen for a long time. It is wasting. 2) A thought like that can't remain stationary, it has to grow. Therefore it will causes one of two things: a) it will cause an obsession with him which will lead to further actions (beyond thought). b) it will cause an obessesion that has no channel and it will drive you to insanity or to depression.

perplexed: i see. in a way, it would almost be easier if we could just get married at 16. The friend I mentioned before, her father was an acquaintence of her mother's father, so my friends parents knew each other for a few years before they got married. Why can't I be in a situation like that?

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: ask them how it was, and if they would advise it for you today

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: remember - just because they "knew" each other, doesn't mean they really knew each other. They might have known the other existed, and maybe said hello. But it doesn't mean they hung out or were friends

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: It doesn't mean they thought about each other.

perplexed: i would be embaressed to talk to them... do u think i should stop going to my friend's house? i really enjoy it there (mostly for reasons other than the bochurim)

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: I didn't stay stop going to your friends house. I suggested avoiding the Bochurim situation. You can go, just go when they aren't there, and don't hang around when they come

perplexed: that's actually very hard, because they're there for meals every shabbos, and i sit at the table. i don't talk (except to my friend), usually, but i definitely observe what's going on, and listen to other conversations.

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: do you feel like you are drawn to them. Do you feel like some of the reason why you are there is them?

perplexed: I would definitely go to her house without them there, but i do enjoy them being there. They are also all incredibly bright, and i really like being around smart people. I often feel that the conversations i have, or that are going on around me are vacuous and dull, and i love intellectual conversations. I really like going to her house just because mine is too quiet, and she has siblings home. She's also my closest friend. And her house is a real makom [place of] Torah, which I enjoy too.

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: this is a decision you will have to make on your own by being extremely honest. If the boys there cause improper thoughts, and lead your heart to desires it shouldn't have, then you are not allowed to go there - it is a Mitzvah that comes through an Aveira [sin]! However if you can look past all that, and the "boy" factor really doesn't effect your life, then it can be ok

perplexed: and if i think i'm fine for myself, how do i know that my being there doesn't cause the bochurim to think improperly of me? as a girl, i think i'm kind of responsible for the way boys think of me. my friend's brother won't look at me, which in a way i'm much more comfortable with than the bochurim who do talk to me. is it ok if they talk to me for me to look at them?

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: There is no way to know what someone is thinking. If you feel you are behaving inappropriately, then don't behave so. If you think are doing nothing wrong, then you have nothing to worry about. If you think that they might think bad of you just for being there - well then if you want a boy with such standards, you need to live by them, so don't be there. If you want a boy who doesn't mind that you sit at Shabbat tables with a bunch of Bachurim, then you have nothing to worry about

perplexed: Wow! That was sharp.

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: I didn't mean it to be. Sorry.

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: I was really just trying to put it in perspective. Honestly

perplexed: Yeah, it's ok.

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: Does it not make sense?

perplexed: Yeah it does. Actually, we were learning Shomer Negiah [prohibition against inappropriate physical contact between unmarried members of the opposite sex] in class, and a girl asked me a similar question, if she's walking down the street, and hears a boy remark to his friend how good she looks, should she feel responsible? so i told her not to worry about the boys who want to look at girls, just think about if she is attracting the attention of a boy who wouldn't want to look at her. With the bochurim, i try not to do anything they wouldn't want. Like I try not to catch the gaze of my friend's brother, who doesn't look at me. The ones who do talk to me, i look at them.

perplexed: thanx. and do you have any suggestions to stop thinking about a boy if i like him?

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: make sure you don't see him. and have another thought ready for whenever the thought comes into your mind

perplexed: i try to take the approach that i should work on myself to be on the level to marry him.

confused: is that good? and if i go to her house, i'll see him. and i don't have a crush on him. i just think he's a nice boy, who i could potentially see marrying

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: I think I told you my opinion about that before :-)

perplexed: is working on myself to be on the level to marry him a good idea?

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: not if it is used as an excuse to keep thinking about him and seeing him

perplexed: ok. thanx a ton! would you mind if i wrote back a diff time with other questions? when are you "on duty"?

perplexed: :-))

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: not a problem

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: be strong, and do what is right

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: all the best

perplexed: how can i talk to u again (there are other people on at diff times)?

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: I am on every Sunday at this time

perplexed: Thanx!!! G'night!

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: good night