Ronit: hello again

Ronit: we were talking before but then you had to go, remember?

Ronit: and rabbi turk just transferred me to you...

Mrs. Shaffer: remind me :)

Ronit: about the guy girl issue

Mrs. Shaffer: ok....but what were we talking about? :)

Ronit: talking to guyz etc how i like this guy and how my feelings are becoming stronger beyond my control..

Ronit: im 16 yrs old..

Ronit: remmeber now?

Mrs. Shaffer: yes...I do...I'm sorry we were cut short the other day :)

Ronit: its ok

Mrs. Shaffer: so..that's the deal, basically.....we've got to learn to postpone gratifying lots of needs.... :)

Ronit: right but right now my feelings for him are, might i say strong, and im having trouble controlling them..thinking dreaming about him etc..and im not really sure what to do coz its getting out of control..

Mrs. Shaffer: it's only getting out of control if you allow it to get out of control :)

Ronit: not really though

Mrs. Shaffer: you're the one who's in control....and you either keep it, or give it up....your decision :)

Ronit: the fact is i like him and have feelings towards him so..?

Mrs. Shaffer: so...put them on hold...

Mrs. Shaffer: in a couple of years from now...when you can be serious about marriage...then you see how you feel about him, and then meet him...if you still feel the same way

Mrs. Shaffer: did I say 'easy'? :)

Mrs. Shaffer: if it were easy....we'd not be having this conversation :)

Ronit: no u didnt but just pointing it out;)

Mrs. Shaffer: of course it's not easy, it's darned hard!!

Ronit: u can say that again!!

Mrs. Shaffer: but that's also the value and beauty of it :)

Ronit: so how on earth am i meant to go about controlling m y feeligns and sexual desires towards this guy...??

Mrs. Shaffer: Ronit....I didn't say you have to 'control' your feelings and desires....(that's a separate conversation).....I said you have to 'control' your behaviour/actions

Mrs. Shaffer: your feelings are legitimate...what you have to control is acting on them. know what I mean?

Ronit: i guess..

Mrs. Shaffer: you have any little brothers or sisters?

Ronit: yep

Mrs. Shaffer: how old?

Ronit: 2 brothers are below me..10 and 4

Mrs. Shaffer: ok...so picture this:

Ronit: yes?

Mrs. Shaffer: you're sitting in Shul with your little 3 or 4 or 5 year old brother...and the lady next to him is wearng this very soft looking sweater...and your little brother reaches out to stroke the material....he says, it looks so soooft....

Mrs. Shaffer: you'd say to him,...no, no...don't touch ....

Mrs. Shaffer: but he feels very strongly the desire to touch that soft fabric....

Mrs. Shaffer: you would tell him, wouldn't you, that even though he really, really wants to feel it...he mustn't reach out and stroke the back of this lady....yes?

Ronit: right..

Mrs. Shaffer: and what youu'd tell him...is....I know you really want to feel it....I understand the desire ....but you mustn't act on it

Mrs. Shaffer: same thing here :)

Ronit: but this is such a stornger desire

Mrs. Shaffer: yes, it is...and you're also much older than 4 or 5 :)

Ronit: hmm

Ronit: your good;)

Ronit: can i ask u another question?

Mrs. Shaffer: sure

Ronit: what are some practical suggestions of how i can distract myself from all of this..?

Mrs. Shaffer: immersion in activities that are enjoyable....and expending time and energy in areas that are removed from this...

Mrs. Shaffer: tell me what you like doing....what're you doing now?

Ronit: well i'm imn school and 2morrow starts 3rd term... we've just been on holidays

Ronit: but that is one of the problmes..to much time 2 spare

Mrs. Shaffer: quite so....

Mrs. Shaffer: so..what do you like doing?

Ronit: did i mention to u how lately its been difficult with school fam and frenz and is most likely one of the reasosn ive take interest in him, i mean besides for the fact that i happened to like him?

Mrs. Shaffer: no...you didn't.....what's been difficult?

Ronit: ok well things have just been difficult lately, benn having a hard time with oen of my best frenz, at home its getting lonely as my brothers and sisters get older and are moving out, and school has just been really frusterating with exams all the work etc, so lately its just been hard and i guess i kinda got a little upset and turned to more materialistic things to make me happy..or just even to get away..tv etc and then eventually guyz, and i guess u cud say that i thought that with all going on a guy who loves me etc and wud make me happy seemed very whats the word..? so yeh thats pretty much it i think..

Ronit: as well as being lonely, that gives u lots of time to think dream etc, which in this case is not good especially if its about the guy that u like..u know?

Mrs. Shaffer: it's wonderful that you're astute enough to recognize the various components of what's driving you....:)

Mrs. Shaffer: so....the answer's to get busy....:)

Ronit: thank you..

Mrs. Shaffer: what can you get busy with?

Ronit: hmm thats what im asking u to help me with:)

Mrs. Shaffer: well....you can involve yourself in something like music, art...for example

Mrs. Shaffer: do you like/do any of that?

Ronit: yeh i actually realised a while ago that i needed something to do to take my mind off things but cudnt think of anything but i guess now since i realise how important it is that i find something i will have a good think about it and really try and come up with something..

Mrs. Shaffer: do you enjoy learning new things? are you creative?

Mrs. Shaffer: what do you think you'll do when you finish school?

Ronit: go thru the system i guess..school marriage etc..

Ronit: but as of yet dont have any ideas of what i'd like to do etc

Ronit: as my career i mean

Mrs. Shaffer: Ronit...don't just ' go through' the system....do something that's unique and specific to you

Mrs. Shaffer: start studying music

Mrs. Shaffer: or a different language

Mrs. Shaffer: create some sort of curriculum

Mrs. Shaffer: anything along those lines....

Ronit: yeh

Ronit: am i crazy?

Mrs. Shaffer: lol

Mrs. Shaffer: not at all :)

Mrs. Shaffer: quite, quite normal :)

Ronit: lol

Ronit: no really

Mrs. Shaffer: Ronit..do this...give some thought to what you can do to productively and enjoyably occupy your time

Mrs. Shaffer: no you're not crazy!

Mrs. Shaffer: :)

Mrs. Shaffer: and let me know what youve been thinking about, ok?

Ronit: will do

Mrs. Shaffer: ok

Mrs. Shaffer: all the best to you...:)

Ronit: your going?

Ronit: alright well i guess i should be off

Ronit: so thanx for your time

Mrs. Shaffer: you're welcome....

Ronit: and will be back hopefully with good news

Mrs. Shaffer: hope to talk to you soon

Ronit: when can i catch you?

Mrs. Shaffer: I'll be online again tomorrow at 3 pm NY time

Mrs. Shaffer: after that...Wed, Thurs afternoons

Mrs. Shaffer: NY afternoons :)

Ronit: ok will try and catch u in those times

Ronit: thanx again

Ronit: take care

Ronit: i hope i will do the right thing..

Ronit: all the best

Ronit: bye 4 now

Mrs. Shaffer: bye :)