Chassidut explains that since one can never really reach another’s “place," never fully understanding the motivations behind his behavior, he is unable to judge him (Sefat Emet).

Nonetheless, “until you have reached his place" implies that one should try to understand his fellow as best he can, to draw himself as close to his fellow’s “place" as possible, relating to him (both intellectually and emotionally) with a greater and deeper expression of love.

As one comes closer to his fellow, his perspective towards him begins to change. He begins to see him in a more favorable light, and even to recognize that the apparent blemishes he had observed in him are actually reflections of identical, though less apparent, blemishes in himself. He is now able to fulfill the complementary dictum of our sages, “Judge all men favorably" (Avot 1:6), and to apply the teaching of the Ba’al Shem Tov on the verse, “You shall surely rebuke your fellow." First one must rebuke himself (with regard to the same fault he sees in his fellow), and only then is he able to constructively rebuke his fellow.

This teaching of the Ba’al Shem Tov follows and lends additional insight to the advice given by Reish Lakish: “First rectify yourself, and then rectify others" (Bava Batra 60b). The word used here for “rectify" (keshot) literally means “adorn." As “adorning" alludes to the relationship of a husband and wife, we infer that the general teaching, “First rectify yourself and then rectify others" most specially applies to the partners of marriage.

When one realizes that the rectification of another depends upon the rectification of oneself, one learns to be patient with others. Patience is the antidote to anger. Only towards one’s own evil inclination is anger in order, as our sages teach: “One should always stir up the anger of his good inclination against his evil inclination" (Berachot 5a). With regard to others in general, and one’s spouse in particular, one must strive to assume the Divine attribute of “infinite patience."

Infinite patience is the consciousness—the infinitely broad “space" of mind—which fosters one’s ability to wait for conflict to resolve itself, to suspend judgment, to continuously check and control one’s innate tendency to relate to others impulsively. It is the key to avoiding the damage one inflicts upon oneself and others when unable to control the responses of his “first nature" to life situations. All of the great, archetypal sins recorded in the Torah resulted from a basic lack of patience.

Upon receiving the Torah at Mount Sinai, the people of Israel as a whole returned to the Edenic state, freed from the Angel of Death. They forfeited this state with the sin of the golden calf, the idol meant to replace their leader, Moses, as they failed to wait for him to descend from the mountain. Our sages refer to this sin as the archetypal public sin (Avodah Zarah 4b).

The primordial sin was eating the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Had Adam and Eve waited a mere three hours until the onset of Shabbat before eating from the tree, they would have inherited the blessings of Eden for all of eternity. It was their lack of patience that brought upon the fall of that initial sublime reality, the decree of death for mankind and the protracted exile of man from paradise.

With patience comes the ability to transcend one’s innate mortal character and fulfill the commandment to emulate G-d: “Just as He is merciful, so be you merciful.... Just as He is infinitely patient, sobe you infinitely patient" (Shabbat 133b; Mishneh Torah, Deot 1:6). Such was the temperament of Moses, as it says: “And the man Moses was very humble" (Numbers 12:3), which Rashi explains as “lowly and patient."

Marriage partners need to be constantly vigilant in cultivating patience. Patience depends upon faith and trust in G-d: if we want something and do not receive it, it is because we do not yet sufficiently deserve it. When spouses realize this, they become much more patient with each other. Rather than demanding that their partner be more perfect than themselves, they focus on rectifying their own character first, with G-d’s help.

Rabbi Yitzchak Ginsburg is a renowned Kabbalist, author and composer. He is the founder of Gal Einai Institute in Israel. E-mail: inner@inner.org