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My child died, how can I continue to live?

  

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Rabbi Tiechtel: Welcome. I'll be with you in a moment...

pained: My 8 year old son passed away in xxx 200X from asthma. where is he and why was he chosen as the one to die when there are so many bad people in the world?

Rabbi Tiechtel: there really is no explantion to the sad occurence that happened in your life

pained: that is the explanation??

pained: I thought that you would have more for me to understand what occurred and why

Rabbi Tiechtel: Maybe the following from our knowledgebase will be helpful... Why do bad things happen to good people?

pained: I help people all of the time, that is all I do...but who is helping me with the ache and pain of not having my child with me anymore? I understand that feeling other's pain and not becoming numb to it all or not losing site of others....I get that...however, I have had depression, lose of memory, stress, anxiety attacks, etc.. because I couldn't save him with CPR, because I promised him everything would always be fine, etc.

pained: I need help in dealing with the loss please.

pained: Within a 2 year period of time God took away 7 members of my family, 3 died in my arms.....why???

Rabbi Tiechtel: Wow. That must be hard.

Rabbi Tiechtel: Have you spoken to a rabbi?

pained: No, this is the first time...but,

pained: I have spoken with Priests, and Pastors..no answers

pained: I am not of the Jewish Faith... but I thought maybe you would have something...

Rabbi Tiechtel: I will share with you how this pain is dealth with in the Jewish faith. This issue is dealt with in a very sensitive manner.

pained: how?

Rabbi Tiechtel: We have a concept of faith and reason. We can reason with G-d, and ask him WHY? Why did he do what he did, why did this and this happen?

Rabbi Tiechtel: It is OK to question

Rabbi Tiechtel: Yet, we also have the point of FAITH

Rabbi Tiechtel: we have faith that he sees and knows more then we can see and know. He knows the yesterday, the today and the tomorrow

Rabbi Tiechtel: Judaism taeches us, that even when we cannot understand, and even when it is painful, beyond rational, we still have faith in G-d

Rabbi Tiechtel: I can tell you that there are ways to become stronger

pained: how, please?

Rabbi Tiechtel: Judaism teaches that by perpetuating the legacy of a loved one who passed away, and by doing the things the loved one enjoyed doing most while they were alive

pained: That is the most hardest thing to do.... it hurts to do all of things he loved

Rabbi Tiechtel: this can bring about a sense of pleasure to the loved one above in heaven, and bring a sense of pleasure and happiness to the living family member who is alive down below

pained: we planted trees in his memory and donated money to help others, donated toys, and yet, I still hurt when everyone is in bed. 

Rabbi Tiechtel: did your son enjoy any specific activity when he was alive?

pained: He loved giving hugs, drawing pics for others, playing with the kids in the hospital, protecting his little sister on the playground and truly being an angel

pained: He was an old soul in a child's body is what everyone use to say.

Rabbi Tiechtel: I wouls suggest that you start a project in his memory that would help other children in the hopsital to be happy

Rabbi Tiechtel: in heaven they canot do physical actions; they live off the actions we do in this worl today

All names, places, and identifying information have been changed or deleted in order to protect the privacy of the questioners. In order to preserve authenticity, the chat sessions have been posted with a minimum of editing. Please excuse typographical errors, missing punctuation, and/or grammatical mistakes which naturally occur in the course of informal chat sessions.

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My child died...

Posted by: Anonymous, Atlanta, GA on Feb 09, 2009

My son Kip, 52, suddenly dropped dead in one heartbeat, right next to me almost 5 years ago...and trust me, the pain is no less because his years were more.

Our Rabbi has steered us exactly as Rabbi Tiechtel has steered "pained" and although there are times in each and every day that I think of my Kip and some days I look at his picture in dis-belief....I get pleasure doing the miriad of things that I constantly do in his honor.

I would add that to have some reminder of the child, small enough to carry or wear every day is, for me, like having him with me at all times. I wear a wide gold band on my right index finger with KIP embossed on it and under it in hebrew.."your memory is a blessing forever". Amazing the comfort such a small thing can bring.

my child died, how can I continue to live?

Posted by: elesheva, Brisbane, qld, australia on Feb 09, 2009

I can only, as a mother, imagine your pain. I nearly lost my son to cancer but Baruch Hashem he is in remission. Please allow youself time to grieve. Accept that with loss our bodies respond in fear and this is okay for a while. look after yourself. take each moment, then each hour, then each day and so on until you feel stronger to bear more of the pain loss brings. like the Rabbi suggested be active in helping at the hospital. do it, not to ease your pain, but to honour your son's memory. His spirit will live on as you grow stronger and in time you will help the next mother with her loss. Read tehillim(psalms) when you panic and know that Hashem is beside you in this time of horendous adjustment. Take strength from others who survive this loss. But they will tell you the pain eases but the loss never goes away and that is okay because psychologically we adjust because it is our job and G-d's will for us to go on, one moment at a time, one hour, one day and so on..

grief of a child

Posted by: Anonymous on Mar 23, 2010

I too buried my child. My heart and prayers go out to you for your loss. The grief after was compounded by the spiritual break-down that followed.

Some of the things that have helped me have been:

.Talking to other parents who have experienced grief.

.Respecting the process of grief. This takes much longer than most in our culture realize. I tried to "move on" at the pace others put forth, which was not possible. Patience with myself was necessary. There were many days that my only reason for going on were my other children. Don't be judgemental of how you survive the process, just try to survive.

.Doing mitzvot in my daughters name. Thus, making the gift of her life a much greater focus than the tragedy of her death.

.I have also found some comfort in knowing that I can not possibly understand G-d's plan. Maybe my daughters passing was placing her with G-d now, to prevent her from experiencing a greater trauma later in life. Our being apart is temporary.

Let me know if this helps yo

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