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How do I end a relationship when all I wanted was a friendship?


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Rabbi Shlomo Chein: Welcome. I'll be with you in a moment...what's on your mind?

Rachel: Hi, I need advice more than to ask a question, can you help me?

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: i can try

Rachel: ok, its complicated for me, probably common for you

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: ok, go ahead

Rachel: i have this friend, we have become really close friends and obviously started to feel something more than friendship...we havent gone any further because i havent let it go anywere more than a friendship and i dont want to break his heart, i want to make it as easy as possible for him, how can i explain

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: how old are you>

Rachel: 22

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: ok, can i be frank with you?

Rachel: please

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: for a girl to be close friends with a guy and want it not to go any further, is like eating donuts and not wanting to gain weight. It does happen to some people that they eat all the donuts they want and they don't gain weight, but most people who eat donuts gain weight.

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: There are exceptions here boys and girls are close friends and there is never any sexual thought, feeling, expression or action between them, but most people in this type of relationship, especially guys, will eventually develop some kind of sexual element to the friendship

Rachel: yes, i know it is my fault, 100%, but what do i do now? how do i explain that this is not what i want?

Rachel: i could have stopped it, i mean, even if i didnt know it was gonna happen, it was a little obvious, wasnt it?

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: I didn't say anything about fault!

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: this has nothing to do with fault! This the reality of friendships between boys and girls. It is simple nature.

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: So the point here is not to blame anyone for anything. The point is simply that if you don't want it to become anything else stop it right now!

Rachel: i dont, but i dont want to hurt him

Rachel: how do i explain what i feel

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: simply tell him that the friendship is giving birth to emotions and feelings that you never intended it to have and you therefore need to put an end to it before it gets out of control -

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: this has simply to do that all you wanted was a friendship, and you didn't realize, but realize now, that a frienship is not possible in this case without brewing stronger emotional feelings, feelings that you don't want right now (for whatever reason) and you therefore have to end it now.

Rachel: it sort of got out of control already

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: you are right, it is out of control already, and that is why you need to end it yesterday

Rachel: thanks Rabbi, thats gonna hurt but thanks, you gave me a little more strength than what i came with

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: tell him it to him softly, but firmly. Say it is not you, it is not even me, it is just something that I didn't realize I was getting into and was not what I was looking for. I really enjoyed the time we spent together and liked you as a friend, but nature has taken this friendship to roads I never wanted to travel, and so for my wellbeing as well as yours I need to end this, and I hope you like me enough as a friend to understand that I need to do what I feel is best

Rachel: and no more friendship, right?

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: correct

Rachel: wow...tough stuff...but yes...

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: good for you - a girl who knows what she wants!

Rachel: no, i just know what i dont want! lol

Rachel: Thank you so much

Rabbi Shlomo Chein: good night

All names, places, and identifying information have been changed or deleted in order to protect the privacy of the questioners. In order to preserve authenticity, the chat sessions have been posted with a minimum of editing. Please excuse typographical errors, missing punctuation, and/or grammatical mistakes which naturally occur in the course of informal chat sessions.


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Women & Judaism » Modesty

Third of the four Jewish matriarchs. Daughter of Laban, favorite wife of Patriarch Jacob, and mother of Joseph and Benjamin. Died while giving birth to Benjamin in 1557 BCE.