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(continued)
The Practical Perspective:
Love and Marriage...
Marriage is also about love, but not exclusively about love.
There are many people we love: parents, siblings, children, friends, teachers, and even celebrities. As a matter of fact, there are many things that we love, such as our car, iPod, and an alfalfa sprout avocado sandwich from our favorite cafe.
Yet we don't marry any of those people (or things).
The love expressed in all of the above consists of a feeling of enjoyment, desire, sympathy, and/or attraction; but it lacks the magical ingredient needed for marriage. (For example, you love your uncle Joe, but you would never think of sharing a room, not to mention a life, with him).
...Go Together Like a Horse and Carriage
The unique factor most important to marriage is commonality. From all the people we love this is the person we think we are most compatible with and with whom it will be most feasible to build a common and shared future.
Thus when we think about a perspective spouse we need to focus on compatibility. It is not enough to love, yearn for, care about, and/or be attracted to someone. You need to be wholesomely compatible. For a marriage to work successfully and to its maximum capacity the couple needs to share a common dream for the future. As the great Hallmark card once said "true love is not when you look each other in the eyes, but when you both look ahead and see the same vision".
This type of union is most rewarding, but also most difficult. The difficulties, however, are reduced when the couple is inherently in common due to a shared history, background, family, education, network, society, belief and value system. The more common they are, the greater the potential for the success of this marriage.
We often get engulfed in the passion of the present. In the heat of a romantic moment we like to tell ourselves "nothing else matters". But marriage is a long term commitment and consequently quantitatively and qualitatively different than a passionate moment. A moment can be isolated, but the future is most often a somewhat enhanced, subjectively perfected, continuation of the past.
Bottom line: practically speaking the best chance for a shared future is a common past.
The Jewish Perspective:
It Happens
At different points of different peoples’ lives being Jewish means different things. You might like bagels, enjoy kvetching, and frequently use words like Meshugenah. You might not like any of the above. As a matter of fact, you may dislike all of the above and be happy to leave it all behind.
Judaism, however, is of course much more than that (and none of that is really Judaism). If you are human and Jewish it stands to reason that at some point in your life you will want to explore or experience some aspect of your rich heritage.
It might happen with the birth of a child, the death of a grandparent, the approach of a holiday, or when hearing Adam Sandler sing his Chanukah song.
At that moment, and most likely forever after, you will want your spouse to share those Jewish sentiments and experiences with you.
Happy Birthday
"But my boyfriend respects Judaism".
I am sure he does. He is a phenomenal and open minded guy, supports the Wiesenthal Center, and loves Matzah balls. And guess what, Judaism respects him too. But is this really about respect?
Imagine you had a neighbor who enjoyed his peace and quiet. For your fortieth birthday you decide to throw a big backyard party with barbecue, bar, DJ and all. You phone your neighbor to give him a heads up. There is silence for a minute and then he says, "No problem. I understand, it’s a big birthday, you want to make a big party. I can respect that."
To your surprise Mr. Recluse actually shows up at your party. Yup, with a dozen roses. He sticks around for a few minutes, wishes you well, and leaves.
You think, wow, what an awesome guy.
Would you still think so if that was your husband?
What if your husband’s reaction to your fortieth birthday party was silence, then "no problem. I understand, it’s a big birthday, you want to make a big party, I can respect that."
Do you dream about a spouse who respects your desire to have joyous moments, or do you yearn for a spouse who genuinely shares your joy and celebrates with you?
Bottom line: in the hood respect is cool, but in your home you’ll just want to share.
The Spiritual Perspective:
Mission Possible
The Jewish perspective of who you should marry is a direct result of the Jewish perspective of marriage itself.
What is a marriage? There are all sorts of partnerships and partners, including non-related males and females who join together in good spirits for a common cause; what distinguishes a marriage from any (legal binding) partnership?1
The Torah2 says "and man shall leave [the house of] his father and mother and cleave to his wife and they should become one flesh".
Each person is born with a mission. For the mission to be made possible you are created with the specific tools needed for your mission. No one else has the tools for your mission, and you don't have the tools for the mission of other's. One of the most important components you are created with is a counterpart, a spouse.
During the first years of life, when you are in "the house of his father and mother", you are educated about your mission, and taught to use the tools and skills necessary to carry it out. Eventually it is time for you to leave your nest and begin implementing that which you were created for. To do so you will need to find the most important component of all, your counterpart.
Thus in order for you to find fulfillment and be able to complete your mission you need to connect and become "one flesh", one entity, with your better half. This fusion is not just a partnership; it is a marriage.
Search Engine
Planet earth is 196,950,000 Sq. miles and hosts an estimated 6,671,226,000 inhabitants. Where do you begin your search for your original better half?
In the Torah.
The Kabbalah4 says "G-d looked into the Torah and created the world". The Torah is the blueprint and manual for all of creation. You too are part of creation, and your origins and purpose can be found in the Torah as well.
The 'key words' in this search are Origins and Purpose. You must explore your origins to understand your purpose.
Looking back at our origins the Torah tells us that the Jew is imbued with a specific mission. So is the non-Jew. The missions, however, are not the same.
The Torah5 , (i.e. the blueprint and manual), therefore cautions about a marital relationship between a Jew and a non-Jew. At the very worst it will be the vessel for blatant contradictions, frictions and strife, as two missions compete and confront. At the very best it will be two people living together but each completely alone. Each soul remaining just one half, and each mission lingering in a state of neglect.
Two Halves Make a Soul
Furthermore, the Torah tells us that for the Jew a relationship can only blossom into marriage if it is with another Jew. That is the only way it could work. Just as there is a Blood Type, similarly there is a Soul Type. Medical transfusions are only successful when the blood types match, and marital fusions are only complete when the soul types match.
In order for you, (regardless if you are a Jew or a non-Jew), to grow, advance, and complete your mission, you need to find the counterpart that shares your mission since time immemorial.
It is not for no reason that they call your spouse your "better half". Your real spouse is not just someone you happen to "fall" in love with. Your true spouse is inherently connected to, and designed specifically for, you. S/he has a soul that possesses the same mission as yours. And if your half is Jewish, it stands to reason that your better half is Jewish as well.
Bottom line: when considering marriage don't settle for a partner. Find your other half.
Footnotes
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Life Cycle » Marriage » Intermarriage
