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I'm not a religious Jew. What is wrong if I marry a non-Jew?

  

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Dr. Silberstein: Welcome. I'll be with you in a moment... what's on your mind?

wannabegood: I'd like to know: If I'm not a religious Jew, what is wrong if I marry a non-Jew?

Dr. Silberstein: Husband and wife share a spiritual purpose. By marrying a non-Jew, you cut yourself off from ever expressing or experiencing this shared purpose.

wannabegood: Can you explain that?

wannabegood: Do I deny my love for a girl, saying it doesn't exist, merely because she isn't Jewish?

Dr. Silberstein: Judaism does not believe that everyone must be Jewish. Each soul has its own mission, and your soul is connected to G-d through Judaism.

Dr. Silberstein: It is possible for a non-Jew to decide to accept the mandate of Judaism, which means observance of all the commandments... but meaningless to convert if one does not have the compelling desire to take on that responsibility. This is something that a person does for themselves, not for marriage or for someone else.

wannabegood: Why does it all matter? I don't feel my soul, I don't feel connected to G-d by way of Judaism, so what's the difference... I didn't ask to be born Jewish... now all it does is limits me, telling me I shouldn't marry a girl I really love just because she was born into the wrong family?

You are creating a marriage that includes a chasm that may grow vast over time
Dr. Silberstein: There are many people who do not feel particularly close to G-d at various times in their life. But often, their relationship with G-d matters more to them later in life.

wannabegood: Like when?

Dr. Silberstein: There is nothing so sad as when I chat to someone online who is married to a non-Jew who was discovered that their Judaism means a lot to them for the first time in their life... but the person is married to someone who is not Jewish... has children who are not Jewish... this creates an impossible choice... either "divorcing" one's family, causing them great pain through no fault of their own, or continuing to deny their essence; something which causes the individual much pain.

wannabegood: It doesn't bother me to have a Christmas tree and a Chanukah Menorah in my house. We can all live in harmony. I've seen it done...

wannabegood: Isn't this an impossible choice; giving up the girl I love because of something that means so little to me?

Dr. Silberstein: Yes, at this point in your life, religion not being a very active force, it is very likely that you are not disturbed at the notion of having both a tree and a menorah at home. But marriage is a lifetime commitment. And priorities can shift over life. You are creating a marriage that includes a chasm that may grow vast over time.

wannabegood: So are we just so supposed to pretend that our love for each other doesn't exist?

Dr. Silberstein: There is no denying that the love exists. I think you face a very difficult choice now. It is not easy to recognize that sometimes love dictates taking different paths, to avoid causing pain to each other in the future. No one wants that what started in love should result in strife.

Dr. Silberstein: Best of luck to you.

Dr. Silberstein: I look forward to chatting with you again.

Dr. Silberstein: Bye now.

All names, places, and identifying information have been changed or deleted in order to protect the privacy of the questioners. In order to preserve authenticity, the chat sessions have been posted with a minimum of editing. Please excuse typographical errors, missing punctuation, and/or grammatical mistakes which naturally occur in the course of informal chat sessions.

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COMMENTS

Non Jews Marrying Jews

Posted by: Janine, Fairfax, CA on Nov 15, 2004

I am a non Jewish woman and plan to marry a non-practicing Jew. I am browsing your site to get more informed mostly because of his family, not him. He is not very identified with his Jewish identity. I am a little disturbed by the information I read. I am from France and deplore anti-Semitism, but by reading the material I am starting to understand that people who discriminate against others just based on faith or ethnic origin incur the fruits of their own discrimination. The last people I heard held such views about inter-marriage were white supremacists. I don't know what to say except I cannot believe that such fundamentalist thought is furthering the cause of protecting Jews from discrimination and creating understanding between faiths. I am glad to know many Jews that do not subscribe to this limited vision of the world and of God.

Editor's Comment

It is difficult to intellectually debate an emotional argument. You have not responded to any of the ideas stated by Dr. Silberstein, you merely use the word "discrimination" to attack.

Am I discriminatory if I choose to marry someone who shares my ideals and views on life? Am I discriminatory if I choose a spouse whose lifestyle is similar to mine? Discrimination is believing that someone else is beneath you because of their race or religion. On the other hand, understanding that people of different religions lead different lifestyles, and therefore should choose compatible spouses in order to establish spiritually harmonious households is not discrimination. 

To wanna be good

Posted by: Candace, Birmingham, England on Dec 24, 2004

I totally understand your frustration and also the frustration of those who feel pressured into choosing between their faith and love. But I don't agree with accusations of discrimination, as I don't think it is discriminatory per se to want to marry someone who shares your goals, ideals, aspirations, beliefs etc.
What I do question is the assumption, no insistence, that this can only be obtained from someone who shares the same religion as you. Relationships are far more complex and go far deeper than that. There are many people, not just Jews, out there who have long, happy interfaith, intercultural relationships. As long as you have a tolerance within yourself and are willing to accept that there will be differences based on your background and that you will have to work together to overcome those problems you will succeed. At the end of the day your marriage/relationship is between yourself and your spouse. No-one else.

Response to Candace

Posted by: Rene, Seattle, WA on Dec 25, 2004

Unfortunately, I speak from personal experience. I was married to a Gentile husband who I loved very much, and still harbor strong feelings for him. The problem wasn't that we couldn't tolerate each other's beliefs and religions, the problem was that several years after we got married I rediscovered my Jewish heritage and wanted a Jewish FAMILY. I wanted to be able to sit around a Shabbat table every Friday night, together with my entire family... If someone had given me Dr. Silberstein's advice before my marriage, perhaps I would have taken the advice and avoided the heart-break both I and my ex are dealing with today.

Same boat as wannabegood, but female

Posted by: Anonymous, Los Angeles, CA on Sep 26, 2005

Hi,

I'm in a similar situation. Early 2001 I met a wonderful man - smart, funny, caring, conservative, sweet, mature & childlike all at the same time. December of that same year I discovered that our religious differences would pose a problem for us. I'm profoundly Jewish but non-religious (my family celebrated Christmas, I was never bat mitzvahed though I regret that), he also non-religious but comes from a religious Lutheran family. It isn't about him & me together, it's about the future. We get along wonderfully, love each other, have great times & the ability to resolve conflicts in a fairly quick & easy manner. But what about the future? How would we raise children when he wants his kids brought up in church like he was, and I'd like to give my kids more Judaism than I had? Pick one? Give them both? No solution seems like the right one. My greatest fear is that if we were to marry and manage to compromise, he will resent me one day. What did you decide? I hope you are so happy..

RELATED CATEGORIES

Jewish Identity » Non-Jews » Intermarriage
Chanukah
An eight day mid-winter holiday marking: 1) The miraculous defeat of the mighty Syrian-Greek armies by the undermanned Maccabis in the year 140 BCE. 2) Upon their victory, the oil in the Menorah, sufficient fuel for one night only, burned for eight days and nights.
Menorah
Candelabra. Usually a reference to the nine-branched candelabra kindled on the holiday of Chanukah.
G-d
It is forbidden to erase or deface the name of G-d. It is therefore customary to insert a dash in middle of G-d's name, allowing us to erase or discard the paper it is written on if necessary.