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Anger Management 101

by Rabbi Naftali Silberberg

  

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Through the course of life, every person experiences the pain of being treated unjustly by others. Sentiments of anger and vengeance are counter-productive and often destructive, yet they are natural reactions to such occurrences. While many people spend much time, energy and money on various therapies, in many instances a simple belief in G-d and Divine Providence is the antidote to the problem.

In the Bible, few people were as egregiously wronged as Joseph. His brothers, his own flesh and blood, deliberately sold him into slavery. Joseph’s reaction, however, is quite remarkable:

“But now do not be sad, and let it not trouble you that you sold me here, for it was to preserve life that God sent me before you ...You did not send me here, but God, and He made me a father to Pharaoh, a lord over all his household, and a ruler over the entire land of Egypt” (Genesis 45:5, 8).

Needless to say, most people in a similar situation would have reacted very differently. In hindsight, G-d’s hand in the events which lead to the Joseph being elevated to royalty is unmistakable. It is easy for us, however, to view the entire story objectively.  But Joseph had suffered the agony of being sold into slavery and being alone in an alien country for over two decades because of his brothers’ actions. His ability to see beyond his personal pain, and appreciate the Divine strategy which brought him to Pharaoh’s palace, is a testament to Joseph’s self-control and maturity of wisdom.

It can be many years before the reason for the suffering becomes apparent. Joseph... had twelve long years in prison to dwell on the injustice perpetrated by his brothers!
Unlike Joseph we often don’t get to see the positive results of the mistreatment. But the premise of Joseph’s noble response applies to anyone who is the victim of mistreatment.

G-d is good. Period. And He controls everything which happens to us throughout our lives. Many people mistakenly believe that only natural catastrophes, such as non-contagious illnesses or freak accidents, are controlled by G-d (see the section in your homeowner’s insurance policy which defines “Acts of G-d”); wicked acts, however, which are initiated by other people – people with free choice – are not Heavenly ordained, and are simply bad. The story of Joseph demonstrates the fallacy of this idea. Yes, what the brothers did was wrong, but what happened to Joseph was all part of the Divine master plan.

At those times when we are maltreated and cannot see the benefit or purpose of the suffering, Chassidic teachings recommend a two-part therapeutic medication:

1)      Forget about instant gratification. It can be many years before the reason for the suffering becomes apparent. Joseph was incarcerated for twelve years before Pharaoh summoned him to decipher his dream. He had twelve long years in prison to dwell on the injustice perpetrated by his brothers! The story of Purim is another example of this idea. Esther was snatched away from her Jewish home and compelled to marry a vicious tyrannical king. Only five years later was G-d’s plan understood by all.

2)      Strength of character is achieved through hardship and suffering. In order for the Jewish people to receive the Torah, they first had to endure many decades of excruciating slavery in Egypt. Only through difficulty does a person acquire sensitivity and empathy for others; and the person who is hurt by another, and chooses to forgive rather than avenge, becomes a kinder and greater person. Indeed, the suffering itself, and the ability to rise above it all, is in itself a Divine present.


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COMMENTS

anger management

Posted by: Anonymous, montreal, quebec, canada on Dec 19, 2004

Dear Rabbi Silberberg, you have no idea how right u are. Keep honing this message for that is emes. Keep up your wonderful work, u are needed, thank you.

I enjoyed your comments on Anger Management

Posted by: Anonymous, Detroit, MI on Dec 25, 2004

I am a teacher in a High School in Detroit. The school has the largest student population in this city with about 2500. Some teenagers in this school do not know how to just listen and learn from their teachers, which can anger me at times. I have learned through trial and error to forgive students who just say anything that comes to their mind. I find that what you said in your comments is true. By forgiving my students and not displaying any signs of anger my students like me and I have a sweeter and kinder feeling toward them daily. Keep sharing your encouraging words. It was so helpful to me.

Anger

Posted by: Anonymous, Houston, TX on Aug 18, 2005

the advice is very good, i try to keep that sort of stuff in mind even before i read this. it's really not so easy and if i had the time that joseph did i know it would be that easy, especially if i ended up in a position such as joseph did. perhaps he was greatly frustrated even bitter in the beginning? wow, i wish i had better anger mangement, is there anything that can be added on the topic?

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Torah
Torah is G–d’s teaching to man. In general terms, we refer to the Five Books of Moses as “The Torah.” But in truth, all Jewish beliefs and laws are part of the Torah.
Purim
A one-day holiday celebrated in late winter commemorating the miraculous deliverance of the Jewish people from a decree of annihilation issued by Persian King Ahasuerus in the year 356 BCE.
Chassidic
(Pl.: Chassidim; Adj.: Chassidic) A follower of the teachings of Rabbi Israel Baal Shem Tov (1698-1760), the founder of "Chassidut." Chassidut emphasizes serving G-d with sincerity and joy, and the importance of connecting to a Rebbe (saintly mentor).
Esther
1. Jewish wife of Persian King Ahasuerus in the 4th century BCE. Foiled the plot of Haman, the prime minister, to exterminate all the Jews. The holiday of Purim commemorates this miraculous salvation. 2. One of the 24 Books of the Bible, which chronicles the abovementioned story.
Genesis
The first book of the Five Books of Moses. It records the story of Creation and its aftermath, and chronicles the lives of the Patriarchs.
Joseph
Firstborn son of Rachel and Jacob. Because he was Jacob's favorite son, his brothers conspired against him and sold him into slavery He ended up in Egypt where he became viceroy of the land, and eventually brought his entire family to Egypt. Died in 1451 BCE.
G-d
It is forbidden to erase or deface the name of G-d. It is therefore customary to insert a dash in middle of G-d's name, allowing us to erase or discard the paper it is written on if necessary.