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A chat about an unplanned pregnancy and abortion

  

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Mrs. Shaffer: Welcome......how can I help you?:)

Shawn: hello mrs shaffer

Shawn: im in a bit of trouble

Mrs. Shaffer: what's the trouble? :)

Shawn: im not married and got my girlfriend pregnant

Shawn we are both jewish

Mrs. Shaffer: then I suggest you make wedding plans :)

Shawn: eeek. we cant. people will know

Mrs. Shaffer: why not?

Mrs. Shaffer: it's not something that you can hide, exactly....:) 

Shawn: shes 8 weeks pregnant

Mrs. Shaffer: ok...so you can get formally engaged today, and plan your wedding for 4 weeks from now

Shawn: and we are not ready for marraige. we are thibnkng of an abortion

Mrs. Shaffer: that simple? an abortion.....simply snuff out that life...? because you wanted to have a good time?

Shawn: an abortion because we are not married

Mrs. Shaffer: so get married!

Shawn: but we wanted to know that halachics [Ed. note: Jewish laws] of it

Shawn: we dont want to kill, but we heard somewhere that if abortion is done early then no soul

Mrs. Shaffer: no..what you heard is not exactly the case

Mrs. Shaffer: if her life were in danger, or she were going to commit suicide, or something like that... [and a qualified rabbi rules abortion is permitted] then it's better to do an abortion early on....

Mrs. Shaffer: but that does NOT mean that if it's inconvenient you can kill the fetus 

Shawn: its more the embarresment and the pain for the families

Mrs. Shaffer: that's something that will pass, but the knowledge of having killed a baby because of embarrassment...how will you ever live with that?

Shawn: thats why we wanted to know in advance what the Halachic are as if there is no soul placed in the fetus yet, then its not as bad

Mrs. Shaffer: the soul is already connected to the fetus from conception, but does not complete its entry into the body until birth

Mrs. Shaffer: does that mean t hat if someone thinks she's gaining too much weight and isembarrassed she's allowed to get rid of a 8th month baby??

Mrs. Shaffer: you're trying to find an easy way out...and I understand... but the truth is that you have no justification, none whatsoever, for killing this fetus

Shawn: i dont know what to do

Mrs. Shaffer: this is what you should do. tell her you want to marry her

Shawn: i cant live my life with a baby yet (and with someone im not sure i 100% love)

Mrs. Shaffer: people today make weddings in 3-4-5- weeks' time

Shawn: i know a wedding can bve aranged

Mrs. Shaffer: Shawn...how old are you?

Shawn: im 28

Shawn: but will the baby be a Mamzer?

Mrs. Shaffer: no..the baby will not be a mamzer. it will be a perfectly whole Jewish child :)

Mrs. Shaffer: but it needs its mother and father to be married, otherwise it's simply not fair to this child

Mrs. Shaffer: Shawn...this is what you have to do.....and I know it's going to be difficult

Mrs. Shaffer: you have to start thinking...your own head...you've got to switch lanes

Mrs. Shaffer: you have to stop thinking about how you can undo this, and you have to start thinking along the lines of doing the right thing...it's the rest of your life that will be affected by what you do

Shawn: so even if was conceived out of marraige, will we be known in the eyes of G-d to have made something wrong with this baby

Mrs. Shaffer: no

Shawn: if we do get married, can i do tshuvah for this sin?

All names, places, and identifying information have been changed or deleted in order to protect the privacy of the questioners. In order to preserve authenticity, the chat sessions have been posted with a minimum of editing. Please excuse typographical errors, missing punctuation, and/or grammatical mistakes which naturally occur in the course of informal chat sessions.

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COMMENTS

think positive

Posted by: Anonymous on May 19, 2008

My husband and I were in a similar situation. We decided to give being married a try even though neither of us were sure about it. But we felt we owed the baby a chance at a normal life with a mom and dad. If things didn't work out, we figured we could always get divorced.Yes, our families were embarrassed. Yes my stomach stuck out in my wedding dress. But in the end they were all so happy with their new grandchild that all the uncomfortableness was forgotten. We are still married 11 years later and have had 4 more wonderful children together. Was it always easy? no, especially because we always had it hanging over us that we didn't exactly get married by choice. But we've stuck it out and grown together, and believe that G-d put us together for a reason--nothing is random in this world. Our oldest daughter is such a special person, I can't imagine if we had prevented her from coming into the world, she has brought us so much joy.

second chances

Posted by: Anonymous on May 19, 2008

just wanted to add that my husband had a girlfriend years before who got pregnant and he encouraged her to get an abortion because he didn't feel ready to settle down, etc. He always regretted it, especially after our daughter was born, he realized fully what he had done. He felt like our situation gave hima second chance to do the right thing. Not everybody gets a second chance, and he knows he can't undo what he did the first time. Don't put this kind of burden on yourself for the rest of your life. it is a much heavier burden to bear than raising a family.

RELATED CATEGORIES

Intimacy » Reproductive Issues
Life Cycle » Marriage » Family Life
Life Cycle » Birth » Reproductive Issues

Halachic
Pertaining to Jewish Law.
Mikvah
A ritual bath where one immerses to become spiritually pure. After her menstrual cycle, a woman must immerse in the Mikvah before resuming marital relations.
Chabad
Chabad, an acronym for Wisdom, Knowledge, and Understanding, is the name of a Chassidic Group founded in the 1770s. Two of the most fundamental teachings of Chabad are the intellectual pursuit of understanding the divine and the willingness to help every Jew who has a spiritual or material need.
Mamzer
A child who is the product of incest or adultery (i.e. a married woman with a man other than her husband). A mamzer may only marry another mamzer.
G-d
It is forbidden to erase or deface the name of G-d. It is therefore customary to insert a dash in middle of G-d's name, allowing us to erase or discard the paper it is written on if necessary.