I have a 15-year-old teenager daughter with whom I just got into a screaming match because she didn’t do the dishes. She’s often very rude to me and my husband. Asking her to behave better in the house is like pulling teeth. What should we do?

Sincerely, B.F., Toronto

Dear Parents,

Picture this scenario: you come home after work to a messy house; dinner is still not on the stove; and your 15-year-old daughter was caught setting fire to a shop-room table in school today and was suspended for the rest of the week. Worse, she is angry at you for forgetting to pick up the dress she needs for a wedding tonight. But instead of reminding you politely, she digs into you in the most rude and demanding way possible.

Many parents might lose their tempers and yell at their kids. At the same time, they’re wondering how they will punish their children for being so rotten.

Discipline has never been simple. From time immemorial, parents have puzzled over how to discipline their children. Although there are different ways to go, two distinct approaches have dominated parenting techniques for the last 40 years: free love versus tough love. The free love movement says we need to give our children the utmost leeway to behave without consequences; whereas, tough love advocates say we need to define stricter borders and limit our children's behavior—or else.

I suggest that parents take a third approach to discipline. According to the principles of Relationship Theory that I outline in my book, At Risk - Never Beyond Reach, discipline needs to be evaluated in terms of the overall relationship. If parents have invested time and energy deepening the emotional bonds with their teenagers, they will have the emotional equity needed for discipline to work and be lovingly accepted.

For discipline to work, parents need to constantly invest in their teenagers’ emotional bank accounts: developing the relationships and making emotional deposits daily. Such deposits include spending quality time together, highlighting teens’ good points, and boosting their self worth.

The opposite is also true. Every time parents harshly criticize or berate their teenagers, they are actually making withdrawals from their teens’ emotional savings’ accounts. Parents, therefore, need to constantly invest in their relationships in order to have the emotional collateral needed to make a difference.

This is how it works. On one tablet are five “Thou Shalt Nots,” and on the other tablet, five “Thou Shalts.” Both sides are equally important. The Thou Shalt Nots represent the types of words that can destroy relationships, whereas the Thou Shalts can improve relationships and bring teenagers and parents closer together. The “Ten Commandments of Communication” are as follows: Thou Shalt Not insult, judge, blame, insinuate, or embarrass; and Thou Shalt compliment, accept, encourage, empathize, and find the good in your teen.

Take a moment to review your relationship with your teenager. Are your words accepting, friendly, compassionate, and understanding? Or are they critical, aggressive, insulting, or belittling? Parents need to make sure that they are always outweighing the Thou Shalts Nots with the Thou Shalts. So the next time you walk in the door and feel overwhelmed by your teenager’s behavior, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Is what you are about to say going to bring her closer or will it push her further away?

2. Have you spent quality time making deposits in your emotional savings’ account?

3. Is yelling really going to make a positive difference or is it just a way of discharging your frustration and anger?

You have every right to calmly discuss with your daughter how degrading and disrespectful you find it when she speaks to you in a rude and demanding manner. In the long run, however, relationship-based discipline will help you motivate her in a loving and supportive way devoid of coercion. Always remember: teenagers can’t be pushed to change, but they may be gently pulled in the right direction.

Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch is the executive director of Shalom Task Force and the author of a new book about parenting teenagers called At Risk – Never Beyond Reach: Three Principles Every Parent and Educator Should Know. He maintains a practice in family counseling and is a popular lecturer on parenting and relationships. You can visit Rabbi Schonbuch on the Web at www.neverbeyondreach.org or e-mail questions to him at rabbischonbuch@yahoo.com.