family_trouble: what is the proper way to handle family who celebrates Christmas and we wish to bring our son up in a strictly Jewish environment?

Rabbi Gurkow: the first question I must ask is this

Rabbi Gurkow: is your son Jewish?

family_trouble: Yes! And we are raising him in a Jewish home!

Rabbi Gurkow: let me redefine my question: since you tell me that your family celebrates christmas, I ask if your son or his mother underwent proper Jewish conversion or if they are naturaly born Jewish?

family_trouble: I should explain--it is my mother who was born Jewish, and raised us Jewishly. My sister married a gentile and thus my mother is trying to please us all-celebrating X-Mas and Chanukah. My son was born naturally Jewish.

Rabbi Gurkow: and you are your son's mother or father?

family_trouble: I am my sons mother.

Rabbi Gurkow: I see

Rabbi Gurkow: in answer to your question, since you tell me that you and your son are Jewish the correct thing for you to tell your mother is: "thank you very much for thinking of us during this family time, we will gladly participate in the Chanukah celebration, but please understand that we will not be coming to the christmas celebration

Rabbi Gurkow: "that would be contrary to the values and religion in which we are trying to conduct our lives and raise our daughter"

Rabbi Gurkow: then send your parents and your sister nice cards and gifts that have nothing to do with christmas and everything to do with family and love

family_trouble: We tried that for the first time this year and now my extended family is not speaking to us because of our decision. Should we make any attempts to heal the rift?

Rabbi Gurkow: yes

Rabbi Gurkow: but be sure to understand the dynamics first... the root of their irritation

Rabbi Gurkow: is it that your religion is different or that you sent anti family signals?

family_trouble: That we are "too Jewish" now and they cannot relate to us any longer.

Rabbi Gurkow: That itself can be seen in two ways described above. can you discern what the root is?

Rabbi Gurkow: if the problem is indeed religious then you need to know first and foremost that the shoe is on the other foot... your family is being incosiderate here not yoruself

Rabbi Gurkow: you are not required to participate when the values at an event are contrary to the choices you made in life... you need not be brought to another's life preferences... you have the right to make your own choices

Rabbi Gurkow: and if they cannot see that, then it is indicative that they do not respect your maturity, independance and inherent right to make your life's choices

Rabbi Gurkow: you are howevr required to be civil, polite and nice

Rabbi Gurkow: if you have done that then you have fulfilled your requirement

Rabbi Gurkow: so in answer to your question, you should make efforts to make ammends -- but do so without guilt... know that you are the one reaching out across a divide that you did not create

family_trouble: Thank you Rabbi--this has been a very painful time for me and my own family. I will take your advise and hope that the rift can be healed. I also plan to discuss this with my own Rabbi for support.

Rabbi Gurkow: I can only imagine how painful a subject this is, I can only imagie the pain of being left alone and misunderstood, and I must tell you that this will not go away... it will be an issue every year... so you must face it head on

Rabbi Gurkow: it may still have after-effects but at least it will have been dealt with

Rabbi Gurkow: please do discuss this with your rabbi

Rabbi Gurkow: he may have an entirely differnt approach, but that will largely depend on your rabbi

family_trouble: I think he will agree with you, Rabbi. I just needed support from a Rabbinical source at this time. You have been so very kind to lend you time and wisdom. Many thanks.

Rabbi Gurkow: your welcome

Rabbi Gurkow: Shabbat shalom

family_trouble: Shabbat Shalom and thank you for providing me with some peace.